My Vesak Day was pretty exciting.

I got a call very early in the morning from my sick grandma, asking me if I could buy her some porridge. I said sure. Hailing a cab on public hols is a bitch, I tell ya. I had to call for a cab FROM JURONG WEST TO BOON LAY JER EH SILA~

After hanging out for awhile at my gramps', I walked to Boon Lay Shopping Centre, looking for a hair salon. Boon Lay Shopping Centre tempat old school giler punya lah! They still have those marble tables where the apeks can play chinese chess.

So the first salon I spotted was this old-looking unit and dari luar aku tengok, macam it hasn't changed since 1980s. And it seems old and ugly so I walked around looking for a nicer place. I found one but it was packed so I went back down to the first salon.

"Hi! I'd like to know how much you charge for a wash and blow?"

Nyonya: (her back facing me) *silence*

Me: "Err excuse me? Auntie?"

Nyonya: (her back still facing me) "Yah yah... Yes?"

"I want to wash and blow my hair. How much har?"

"Ahhh TUWEF DOLLER!"

"Hah twelve dellers! Why so expensive!" (Pasalkan tempat tu macam old gituk, then charge $12 expensive leh...) "Ok if I don't want to wash? Just blow only how much? Because I washed at home already."

Nyonya: "Eh if STEP only not nice lah! Must wash!"

Me: "Why not nice leh? Everytime I wash myself then ask the hairdresser to blow for me... Nice what. How much?"

Nyonya: "No no I say NOT NICE! If you STEP only, never wash NOT NICE!"

Me: "AUNTIE! Wa takmo cuci, takmo gunting, takmo STEP! Wa mau BLOW ajer! Okay TAK NI?" (because in my head, 'step' is a form of cutting technique right? Siapa kata aku nak gunting STEP ni??? Step pandai lah nyonya ni.)

Nyonya: "Okay egg doller!"

Me: "Okay, egg doller. Blow only eh... Lu buat lawa tak auntie?"

Nyonya: "Tak tau, tak tau... Wa tak tau buat."

Me: (confused) "Huh? Lu tak tau buat? Abeh kenaper lu bilang wa step lah, egg doller lah..."

Nyonya: "Yalah wa tak tau buat. Lu tanya wa macam gini hor, lawa ke tak hor, wa cakap wa tak tau lorrr..."

Me: "Eh auntie, kenaper lu marah-marah ni? Wa cuma tanya takder pape leh. Wa tanya semua hairdresser, ini macam lawa ke tak, orang cakap 'lawa!', tak marah sama wa pon! Kenaper lu marah-marah?!"

Nyonya: "Abeh lu tanya wa ini macam, bikin wa HATI SAKIT! (eleh) Eh lu tengok sini wa punya buku ahh (sambil pointing to all her very old, dog-eared hairstyle books.) Ini wa punya. Lu bukan satu OLANG customer hor. Wa sini satu bulan bayar ini kedai (took calculator and press press press 4'000 and showed me) ini duit leh. Lu tanya wa buat lawa ke tak, kalau wa buat tak lawa, mana wa boleh cari makan sampai (show calculator)!"

E'EH nyonya ni. Wah wah wahhhHHhh~ Nyonya eksyen eh! Konon-konon bayar sewa $4,000 jer kira best ah tu. Apa sajerrr jer. Takder kena-mengena siak. Telinga aku dah merah panas-panas ni!

Me: "Eh okay lah nyonya. Lu tak tau buat rambut ah? (Nyonya: "Yah yah wa tak tau buat!") Oh okay lorrr! Takder gini. Besok lu tutup ini kedai eh! Lu jual! Tutup sua!"

Nyonya: "Eh wa suka, wa taknak tutup!"

Me: "Takder, takder, lu tutup bagus. Lu tengok itu atas kedai banyak orang, sini lu punya tempat kosong. Pasal semua takut sama lu! Eh besok lu tutup, okay? Bakar pun bagus!" And I turned my heels to walk out of the salon. But then, I had an image of her throwing her scissors at me so I quickly walked to the door but not before I said "Ahhhh~!" with that 'pegi bla lah lu' hand gesture. I could still hear the nyonya cursing at the background.

Hurhur. Best kan gaduh dengan nyonya. Nyonya emo seh. Sampai amik calculator nak tunjuk duit sewa semua. Per jer. Not trying to sound like a sour grape but I wouldn't want someone like her to wash my hair lor. Orang dia macam mana tau. Severely overweight. Hair hastily bunched up in a clip AND a hairband. Blue tights. Pink plain t-shirt with a stain at the right sleeve. Aku observant ah jangan main-main. I wouldn't want someone with ugly hair and even uglier mannerisms to touch my hair. My hair cost more than your salon ah...

Abeh kan, the name of the shop is Proscis. I suppose it's short for Professional Scissors. Eh neh lah Proscis. Proboscis, more like, okay?