I've never found myself being so passionate about football before.

The last time I remember feeling excited for football was when Yan, I, Dayana and Han went to some Singapore v Some Country at Kallang Stadium. I had short hair, ruddy cheeks (cheybah haha) and was wearing red. Everyone was wearing red. Duh.

Of late, I feel that I am getting very involved with Man Utd. Hurhur. I try not to be a poseur you know i.e., those kinda girls who pretend to like football and talk football and discuss football just so that she can fit in with the boys or just so that the boys tengok dia cool ke haper ah. I try not to so usually I just sit quietly and watch. Whether my interest is due to a certain player called Ronaldo or not is another story lah you know? Hurhur. I know he's been around awhile but lately, I think he just got hotter and hotter. Yan is not gonna like me saying this because he thinks that Ronaldo is a big baby and liked to call foul and very lembik. He is not lembik ok. Have you seen his abs? And his thighs? Hello.

Anyway, I caught the Man U game with Barca last 2 nights. Aku macam betul jer tau. Went home, caught a couple of hours of sleep and meet Yan downstairs and we drove to SJC to join the rest of the boys. Siap bawak baju kerja semua cos it's off to work that morning.

The place was filled with so many male testosterones! Besides the food, you can smell Male. Alaah you know, bau jantan. All sweat and cigarette smoke and armpits and helmet hair. Haha. SJC is by the way, Simpang Joo Chiat. Cos one of the food stalls has a branch at Simpang Bedok, the boys called this one Simpang Joo Chiat. Pandai-pandai jer. Nobody else calls that SJC. Kita jer pandai-pandai.

Anyway, front row seats, aku tengok dongak seh. Sakit tengkuk lah nyah. Tapi Ronaldo nyer pasal, saya sanggup. Oh by the way about the game, I was very disappointed. Man Utd was so kanchiong spider and they just lose it. Barca was terrific though. Here I am, an amateur football audience and I can tell how fantastic Barca was. So smoove. That was some good football. And here I go being all poseur minah bola. Ok stoppit.

I saw 2 wedding invitations on the table for me a few nights ago.

And then my mum went like "Eh Awin, kawan-kawan kau semua dah kahwin Win..." I can sense war coming up ni. So I said "Ah abeh kenapa? Ibu stress?" She: "Ah yelah abeh kau bila....." Before she could finish, I interrupted her, cos I won't go down without a fight.

"AH TULAH ibu, siapa suruh pergi jemputan... Kan makcik-makcik semua dah tanya bila anak kau yang pompuan tu nak kahwin Jah? Sebabtu kan, orang tak suka pergi sedara-sedara nyer jemputan tau pasal orang tau mesti makcik-makcik kepo tanya-tanya. Kan orang dah warning sikit hari, jangan tanya pasal kahwin ni semua pasal its rimas ok!"

She: "Eh bukan sedara-sedara ibu lah... Ni kawan-kawan ibu tanya lah."

Me: "Ah sama lah! Jumpa kat mana? Kalau bukan kat jemputan, kat pasar kan? Bilang dengan makcik-makcik kepo, pergi jaga anak-anak diorang sendiri. And ibu pun jangan sebok tanya makcik-makcik kepo bila anak diorang nak kahwin! Makcik-makcik takder benda lain eh nak bebual pasal?" Tapi kan, kadang-kadang, bukan makcik-makcik jer kepo suka tanya pasal kahwin tau. Ada orang kan, umur baru 23 pun dah sebok-sebok pasal kahwin. Abeh lagi boleh bilang aku kalau aku nak kahwin, tak payah tunang pasal nanti aku akan reach expiry date. Eh fuck you lah. Siek ah aku 23 masih hepi-hepi seh.

Aku tengah hot seh itu jam. That was the first time my mum had outrightly talked about marriage. She didn't ask me directly lah, but she put it in such a way that you know, she'd like to know it herself. I think she's getting nervous already. Takut anak pompuan satu dia ni tak laku. Kesian mak aku. Dia succumb to peer pressure.

Ingat kahwin senang macam time dulu-dulu keper. Ingat cari laki macam pergi Sheng Siong cari tauge eh?

I'm not worried because my girls are all happily unmarried. Except for maybe Jila cos she asked me before if I wanted to be the MC during her wedding ceremony. So she's given that some thoughts. Hehe.

Ok lah. Off to home now to shower and change then meet my fellow Vietnam trippers for supper. Kahwin-kahwin talk makes me panas.

I think I have come to a place within myself where it could be anytime now where I throw in the towel.

I am just so tired and I feel a certain sort of unfairness and abuse! I know that working for the 2 most junior bosses in the team was not going to be easy, because shit flows downwards, and sometimes it's not their fault but I just have so many things to do! I have so many things to do that, I think I have not been doing my work well. It's like, a bit done here and a little there and I couldn't focus entirely and give it my best to any one matter.

It frightens me because in my line, mistakes are frowned upon and there could be costly trouble ahead and it's the pits when my neck is constantly on the chopping board, every single day of work.

So I eventually got on that plane to Ho Chi Minh and I had a good couple of days before Monday rolled by and work loomed again, and that totally ruined the remaining days for me. It's not fair! Just farken 3 days of leave and I was still worried about work. It's like, I cannot have a life as long as I'm here. Like, I sell my soul to work. What kinda shit life is this.

I went on a bit of self-reflection while I was backpacking and I have decided that I shouldn't beat myself over work and stop taking it upon myself to finish EVERYTHING, when the workload is obviously not delegated fairly and I feel grossly undermined. I have so many that it seems that I'm uncapable, unfocused and unreliable. Where fact of the matter is that, I try to multi-task but the work just don't stop. They just don't.

And I start to question myself the purpose of my being, other than working for a living. The only reason why I'm holding on is that I think my parents might have some trouble with their work too and if I can help, I help. So being unemployed right now may not be a good idea but seriously. I. Am. Jaded.

I'm so afraid of myself because I think, if it is really too much, I might just break down at my messy desk, cry my eyes out, and type a farewell letter. I don't want to act irrationally.

I can't even blog about how great my trip to HCM was. I enjoyed myself tremendously (at least for the first 2 days) and the last 3 days would have been awesome if not for the constant reminder of work.

And it doesn't help that here I am thinking about work and what to finish first, someone kept asking where to buy tapioca something for lunch or something like that. Like fuck, understand? Like, I'm scrambling to finish everything before I drop dead and people are thinking about lunch.

Well guess what? I've lost all appetite to eat for the last few days and I only eat when Yan is around cos that at least gives me some semblance of normalcy.

I used to be a free spirit you know. Nowadays, it's just so hard for me to find a reason to smile.

Such a depressing entry. I hate depressing entries. I'd do an angry entry anytime over a depressing entry.

At 4.30 p.m. today, it was discovered that the full-day hearing on Tuesday is vacated and the new date would be in JULY!!!

I would have spoken French here if I could but the implication of it might cause some problem in future so I'll hold my tongue.

[insert favourite French aka swear words here]

If you don't know what I'm getting at, read my entry on Saigone (or something) below. Where I was very angry with the fact I couldn't go to Vietnam with my cousins and her friends.

SO it seems that I can go afterall. BUT, how the hell could I do it when I have such short notice and I haven't packed, have not a big enough backpack, no proper shoes, don't know what to bring, what to buy, HAVEN'T CHANGE CURRENCY DONG DONG BETUL SEH. Dong is the Vietnamese currency by the way hurhur.

Oh but on a whim, I ran to Arcade to change SGD150 to some Dongs, without even being sure if I'm going. Just go with the flow, you know? Right now, my stuffs at work are more or less done (I think) and all that is left is to go online and get the damn ticket, which frankly I don't know why I still have not gotten around to doing it. Maybe cos I'm a bit worried about work. A bit only lah. Not enough to stop me from going though.

Still procrastinating.

Wah ni kalau aku betul jadi pergi, this is like my super ultimate spur of the moment nyer decision ni. Takder planning takder ke haper tiba-tiba jer last kopek nak pergi. Ni nama nya, punkrock. Haa korang dah lama tak dengar itu word punkrock kan. Hurhur.

If I decide to go, I'd have to pay $225 for the flight when I could have paid only $160 before. And best part is, I had a premonition you know. I was thinking to myself, 'wouldn't it be great if the Court comes back like a week before the hearing with a vacated hearing' and then 'nah wouldn't happen' and all this while, I had this feeling that somehow, the hearing won't happen. Vietnam was always somewhere there at the back of my head. I swear I have ESPn lah ok. Don't doubt me when I say I have it. I know when I'm being lied to too. If I were to be a character from the Twilight series, I'd be Alice. Hurhur.

Ok still procrastinating.

I should be getting online and buy the damn ticket already. I have a backpack but don't think it's big enough. The plan is for Yan to help me pick it up from a friend's place but guess what, he's still not done with shooting and he's not picking up the phone. I'm all alone in the office on Friday night lah Bedah. Seram dan stress.

Ni kalau aku jadi pergi kan, I would be so happy I won't believe it.

Ok enough, Yan just called to pick me up in 10 mins. So I better buy NOW. Pantat.

I think I'm dying. Really.

I have been coughing since 17 April and it was followed by flu a week later. My mucus and phlegm are yellow and gooey.

My body temperature ranges from 37.6*c to 38.1*c.

I have muscle pain and body aches.

Sounds like H1N1 right? I know.

To be honest, I've been feeling worried myself.

I got the cough bouts right after having some super spicy Indian food for lunch. Indian rojak came to mind, anyone?

This was followed by stress from work. Nobody would wanna be in my shoes really. I think my colleagues are a bit worried cos I've been coughing and spreading the germs. Well hello, I don't want this either but if I go on MC, who would do my work? Who would do my discovery?

My trial starts today and I don't even want to think about it cos I'm so pissed at this secretary who refused to come to the office to help me, citing, her boss told her not to because *quote* the rest of them can cope *unquote* 'Them' meaning me, my boss and the pupil. Eh nabei cibai if we can cope, we wouldn't have left the office close to 4 a.m. this morning ok! 3 of us doing copies and binding in preparation for the trial. I don't care. I'm gonna talk about work now. Come what may.

I don't understand this stupid girl. My boss already said we could use an extra pair of hands yesterday, and you know what she did? She called her boss to ask if she really need to come. And her boss, of course, said no. So I told her that her boss wouldn't know what are the documents that needed copies so obviously he told her she didn't have to come.

And this stupid girl of course didn't come cos the boss said no need what. If she got half a brain, she would take the initiative to come and help. And fuck it. This matter is her boss's matter lah ok. He asked my director for help and he in turn asked my boss to do the drafting and that's the only reason I'm helping.

I just can't stand the injustice of this. Everyone's busting their ass for this trial and what has she done for the trial? Nothing. Zilch. So fuck you understand. You can go around the office wearing spaghetti strap tops and show off your generous bust size but you couldn't help when shit needs to be cleaned up. And she still got the cheek to call me at 10.30 p.m. and ask if I'm done and then laughed when I said I have not. And your point for calling me was? Are you gonna come to the office to help? No right? So fuck you. And she's damn longwinded one you know. Already not there to help but waste my time talking to me on the phone.

It didn't help that I almost had heatstroke cos they wasn't any air-conditioning in the office, and I was sick and my immune system is whacked, and I was coughing up green glue, and I was dripping green mucus and I had dried up ones in my nose and had to breathe through my mouth and did not have the time for dinner. Can fucking cope, my perky ass.

I so angry you know. And now, I'm losing sleep and having nightmares because I have discovery to do. Discovery is like, the bane of my life. You will know when I have discovery to be done when I have eyebags and dark shadows under my eyes.

So so angry.