whimsical flights of fancy

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Tired and Unmotivated

Friday, May 22, 2009

I think I have come to a place within myself where it could be anytime now where I throw in the towel.

I am just so tired and I feel a certain sort of unfairness and abuse! I know that working for the 2 most junior bosses in the team was not going to be easy, because shit flows downwards, and sometimes it's not their fault but I just have so many things to do! I have so many things to do that, I think I have not been doing my work well. It's like, a bit done here and a little there and I couldn't focus entirely and give it my best to any one matter.

It frightens me because in my line, mistakes are frowned upon and there could be costly trouble ahead and it's the pits when my neck is constantly on the chopping board, every single day of work.

So I eventually got on that plane to Ho Chi Minh and I had a good couple of days before Monday rolled by and work loomed again, and that totally ruined the remaining days for me. It's not fair! Just farken 3 days of leave and I was still worried about work. It's like, I cannot have a life as long as I'm here. Like, I sell my soul to work. What kinda shit life is this.

I went on a bit of self-reflection while I was backpacking and I have decided that I shouldn't beat myself over work and stop taking it upon myself to finish EVERYTHING, when the workload is obviously not delegated fairly and I feel grossly undermined. I have so many that it seems that I'm uncapable, unfocused and unreliable. Where fact of the matter is that, I try to multi-task but the work just don't stop. They just don't.

And I start to question myself the purpose of my being, other than working for a living. The only reason why I'm holding on is that I think my parents might have some trouble with their work too and if I can help, I help. So being unemployed right now may not be a good idea but seriously. I. Am. Jaded.

I'm so afraid of myself because I think, if it is really too much, I might just break down at my messy desk, cry my eyes out, and type a farewell letter. I don't want to act irrationally.

I can't even blog about how great my trip to HCM was. I enjoyed myself tremendously (at least for the first 2 days) and the last 3 days would have been awesome if not for the constant reminder of work.

And it doesn't help that here I am thinking about work and what to finish first, someone kept asking where to buy tapioca something for lunch or something like that. Like fuck, understand? Like, I'm scrambling to finish everything before I drop dead and people are thinking about lunch.

Well guess what? I've lost all appetite to eat for the last few days and I only eat when Yan is around cos that at least gives me some semblance of normalcy.

I used to be a free spirit you know. Nowadays, it's just so hard for me to find a reason to smile.

Such a depressing entry. I hate depressing entries. I'd do an angry entry anytime over a depressing entry.

Labels: work

the enigma was spotted at 13:14