I think my title is bloody lame lor... Bloody, bloody lame hurhur...

I'll see you lovelies next year!

I'm gonna do some damage to Mister Mastercard now.

We finally met up with Sid yesterday. She touched down in Singapore from US of A on Tuesday.

She looks AWESOME, lah... Just AWESOME!! The skin, the hair, the husband!! HELL-O??? Is this what marriage does to you? If yes, THEN I ALSO WANT TO GET MARRIED!! CAN ONE OF YOU SINGLE, AVAILABLE and STRAIGHT GUYS OUT THERE PLEASE PROPOSE TO ME SO I CAN GET HITCHED?? I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND I WANT TO LOOK GLOWY AND FLUSHED FROM MARITAL BLISS. IS THAT TOO FUCKEN MUCH TO ASK!! -ok dah-

And her husband Anil is funny. Dr. Anil. I like looking at both him and Sid. So loving gituk. One day, I will joke with my husband in public and then laugh and kiss him. And not care what people might say about my public display of affection (affectionately known as PDA) because HE'S MY HUSBAND, DAMMIT!

Anyway, Nonie came with her boyfriend. And I must say this, SHE LOOKS AWESOME TOO LAH FUCK!! She's all woman, curves, long hair and all. Eli and I were walking behind her and shamelessly oogling at her ass and went like "Sial AHH... Tsk tsk tsk... Bai-yekk siaakk..." Hurhur... And she and Hanafi - or is it Hanif? I can't remember. Anyway... - are a match made in heaven. They've been together for like almost 6 years, me thinks, and they look so happy together. So... In love. I can practically feel the love they have for each other. I kept swallowing my saliva when I looked at them because I know how that feels like. To be in love.

Ok moving on....

I stuffed myself silly last evening. Warung M. Nasir has fantastic food. Aku sampai tambah-menambah dua tiga kali kau! Then off to Al-Tazzaq for sheesha and light bread platters. I got so fucken high after sheesha. Imagine this: A glass of hibiscus-Hibini-watchamacallit-juice, a cup of potent teh tarik, a cup of potent Mint tea and sheesha!! I was high! I was drunk! I was wasted! I had a funky headache after that and laughed and laughed and talked cock.

And I'm still in the office. I suddenly feel like shit. All alone in the office. Konon-konon nak tie up all lose strings for 2005. Kepalahotakkaula tie-up. Walhal aku depressed nak mampos.

It was half-day for us on Friday. BUT GUESS WHAT?!? I had no dates, no plans. So I was left roaming in town and Borders alone until Syahrum a.k.a Farhan (in Jila's case) saved me from the crowds and the boredom. Cheyy...

Saturday with the girls was fab, as usual. Craziness was the order of the day.

Ok here it is.

Be flattered now, because I have dedicated an entry to you herewith.

I don't like what you did to my friend, your ex. But that is over and done with. I just don't understand why you have to resort to lash out at me at my tagboard.

Any issues you have with my ex, go settle those with him. We are not together anymore, but he's still a dear friend of mine. And then once that is done, I hope you grow up.

Any issues you have with me, email me. I'm sure someone smart like you will have more space to write me here. Saying things like my hands look like a bapok's terlepas from Changi did nothing to deflate my ego. It did, however, reek of your own insecurities. I know I am not pretty, not hot, not beautiful. I looked like a boy then, and still look like a boy now. And you know what? It is ok. I am fine with that. I have come to terms with whatever I lack and whatever I have in excess. I am happy with myself. Maybe you don't know me very well, do you? Which is why it is easy for you to pass comments like that. Maybe it is easy for me to pass comments about you because I don't know you, too.

Come on, you. This has to come to an end. All these nonsense. We have seen each other in person like... Less than 5 times and I don't think that is enough to constitute any bad feelings. This is not me offering an apology. This is just me offering a truce. Because you know, I don't know what I'll be apologizing for. I'm sure we are all mature adults who can handle this 'situation' as best as we can, as delicately as we want. It's sickening to know that you religiously read our lives' stories. I mean yeah, this is for the world to read, but to read BECAUSE you're looking for an opening to hit below our belts. Don't feed on our miseries. They could be poison.

After all that has been said, I really have no more energy to entertain this nonsense. Whatever issues I had with you, they are all water under the bridge. No more, nada. If I see you outside, I won't slap you. Because I am above that. In the span of the years you have 'known' me, yes, I have grown up. Control queen? Not me anymore. Rigid girlfriend with no tender love to offer her man? Maybe not anymore.

So here it is. My end of the deal. Truce?

The ball is in your court.

I wanna show-off.

Jila, you're not the only one with a ring. I also have. But unlike yours, mine is not real and it costs a mere ermm... $25.00. But if I don't tell, people also don't know because it looks good and because my fingers make it look good.

And also because I was feeling oh-so-slutty and got me a deep red manicure.

Washington Apples. You. Me. This Friday. You girls in?

Come on, girls. I need this.

I weep for us, you know.

Don't think I don't.

Is it not enough you put me through what I went through?

Is it not enough you let HER come into our life?

Is it not enough I lost my appetite and went bulimic and eat only one spoonful of rice every day for 3 whole weeks, and the few times I ate, I threw up all over the bathroom floor?

Is it not enough I cried every night thinking of us, and what I did wrong to deserve what you did?

Ok so fine! So I'm not pretty. I'm not hot. I'm not beautiful. I'm not some fucken 16-yr old juvenile who is a model / flight stewardess / jazz singer / R&B rapper who you can show off to your superficial friends. I concede defeat. Ok? I'm not all of the above and more. So what's your point in telling me all that???

But I know what I am. I am not some worldly-speaking boyfriend stealer who thinks the world of herself from (quote Eli) huh-what-ulu-school-is-that (unquote Eli). I, at least, have my pride and principles. I have never cheated on you, have never gone out with another guy behind your back. Even when you were away for 9 whole months I did not. Never once did. And I never once write about you here for everyone in BlogWorld to see. I have restrained from doing so. Until now, that is.

Just because I date some guys does not make me a slut. After all, you were the Dumper. And I, the Dumpee. So why are you bitter now?

If you're out to deflate my confidence, guess what? You've succeeded. But guess what again? I'm not broken yet. I've chipped a bit here and there, but not yet broken. My girls keep me sane and they keep me grounded. I'm just thankful I have them. Love you, girls.

Oh and then guess what?

I just found out you have stood me up.

Due to some concerns and interests and also conforming to what is deemed as 'right and wrong' to the society, I have decided, with much regret, to take down the oh-too-sexy pictures of zoukout 2005.

So now, ladies and gentlemen, you are left with the less colourful pictures. Less interesting, less skin and definitely less gossips behind our backs.

Conforming, I hate. But a conformist I shall be. For now.

Just for the record, there were no indecent acts on our part. We pretty much kept to ourselves there. I'm pretty pissed when I think about what people might be saying about us and what we did at zoukout. Please don't judge. I know what I'm doing and honestly, it really is none of your business.

On a lighter note, I finally got my hands on Sleepers. A bloghopper recommended that book to me a few months back but I always have something to read. Then I ran out of reading material and Kinokuniya ran out of stock for that title but they came 2 days ago so Yay!! Am digging the first few pages already. I'm quite riveted by it and can sense that it is gonna be one helluva disturbing read.

I just heard this on Class95. Gwyneth Paltrow might be pregnant again. So what is she going to name her child now? Orange? Papaya? Mango? Semua boleh, asalkan jangan Langsat / Durian / Lai sua... Can you imagine if the kid is a Chinese called Lai? It will sound like "Lai, come and eat laiiii..." Hurhur...

I realise (well I've known this all along but I'm only beginning to really think about this) that there might be people, (who are not my friends, who are not friends of my friends, who are not friends of my friends of my friends) who are secretly reading my blog. It's disconcerting to know that they are reading my blog at night and knowing mundane things about my life such as what I had for lunch or the colour of my underwear, and then see me the next morning and smile at me. Urgh! I mean, honestly. What do you expect me to write about? You? Office gossips? 10,000 reasons why I want to kill my boss? (Whom, by the way, is in a very good mood these past few days. I heart him. Must be the year-end mood).

Ok seriously, I don't mind people reading what I've written. I mean, if I had wanted this to be a secret affair, I would have written all in the diary I've kept since 1992, right? But what I CANNOT stand is when you IMPLY you know something about me and make it look like as if I have something to hide. Something I should be sorry and guilty about.

Do me a favour, my common comrades. If you want to be in my good books, just say it as it is. Give 'em to me. I've gotten enough shit. I can take more. I think I've come to that (st)age where some things will shock me, but most things won't. Take everything with a pinch of salt, I say. So come. Give it to me.

(Was in a foul mood the whole of this morning. Feeling better now. Must have been the nasi lemak. Or the promise of a whole body massage next Tuesday.)

Anyway, was reading a fellow blogger's entry where she wrote about attending Malay weddings every Sunday. And I am thinking about the same thing!! Just yesterday, I was having lunch with a poly-mate and she rattled off the names of people I know who are getting married soon, or already engaged - herself included.

I'm like... Disturbed. Yeah I'm only 22 but STILL! Ok don't get me wrong. I'm not gonna do the "Jom kahwin Sunday" she-bang. It's just that 22 is like SO young to be tying the knot. And so is 23 and 24 and 25 and 26. I'm thinking more like, 28 - 32. But what if by 32, I realise that:

(1) there are no more good guys. The remaining good guys are either gay, married, married with 2/3/4 wives or have bad habits like scratching their groins while smiling at me / have bad body odour / have a fetish of smelling my pits.

(2) I am 32. The age, I think, where I am in 'danger' of reaching the expiry date. Where I am not as dateable as someone who is oh, say, 16? Where my laugh lines, white hairs and saggy breasts are gonna show. Where guys ask me for my age and I lie, saying "Oh I'm younger than you think, dah-link! I'm only 24!!" accompanied by my shrill, girly laugh and flipping my hair flirtatiously (IF I have long hair. If not, imaginary long hair also can).

(3) there is no one who would love me for who I am. One who would tolerate my nonsense, my whines, my tantrums and my uneven breasts size.

What if by 32, I still have not found my one true love?

Or worst, what if by 32, I realise that I HAD my one true love, but that he's gone when I was 22? :-/

Never mind. 32 is in 10 years. That means, I have 10 years to do these - climb mountains, skydive, deep-water raft, read the 9.30pm news at ChannelNewsAsia, report a world-breaking story (i.e "Farzuin Zainal reporting LIVE from Gua Buta in Kalipongkakakkaupunyalaki").

10 years to grow my hair. 10 years to even out the size of my mammary glands by plastic surgery. 10 years to realise that maybe, there is no such thing as One True Love, and just go marry that mat who sells VCD haram at pasar malam.

Gimme 10 years. And see what I can do with them.

Nice or not? My new layout? Too bad I cannot claim credits for it. I thank Ley deep deep and many many because she is so kind as to do this for me. My tactic in getting her to do this? "Ley dear... Later when you start school in January, you cannot do anymore good deeds for me you know... You cannot itchy fingers do out layouts. So why don't you design one for me now? Huh?" Yes Awin the Persuaser (as opposed to Awin the Persuader. Then again you may not understand because it is an insider joke). So Ley, thank you again!!

Ok dah. Cannot flatter her too much. She'll have a ball of a time gloating. Don't believe me? Read the entry before this. Kat bawah jer ni hahh... She shamelessly put in an entry on MY blog and went on and on and on saying how much of a DESIGN GENIUS she is. Hurhur...

I'm wearing my new shoes which I totally dig but sakit nyaaarr... Minta ampun! I have blisters all over. Tapi takper. Lawa punya pasal. I will endure blisters, broken skin and bunions for you, my lovely shoes.

Nah... Pictures, just in. BikinisGalore y'all. Trust me, we were pretty decent.

At Ian's house before going to Sentosa. Ok I don't know why this picture is small. But whatever lah. (Scary character i.e. Nifal at the back).

Ok so Saturday was a riot. I moved quite a lot. (I refuse to use the word 'dance' because fact of the matter is, I didn't dance. I just moved).

In fact, I moved so much that I'm still having leg cramps. Kaki ku sakit nyaaarr... Macam lenguh-lenguh gituk. You know, it's like you have not exercised for a very long time, then suddenly you run ten thousand miles, ah macam gituk ah sakit nya. It's really bad for someone whose form of exercise is well... Shopping (or window-shopping when you don't have the cash) - like me.

May I quote from Queen Eli, 'Saturday was mad, rad and wet'. Ouh yeah we got wet alright. Too much grinding, gyrating and gallivanting. Kata malam muda-mudi... Hurhur...

I read Jila's entry in her blog. She was wondering why she attracts weird people. She's lucky she only got the weird people. At least they have character. I attract the Unsavoury Characters lah cann!! Men who are balding, beer-bellying and aging!! Not to mention, leering AND salivating!! TWICE I got approached by these Unsavoury Characters who wanted to dance with me. Twice too many times. ~Eh sila eh~ Tolong jangan stresskan aku by coming on to me and start touching my arms and my waist in hope for a dance. What, did you really think I would dance with you? Let me say why I can't and I won't.

1) You scare me with your arm-flapping 'dance' moves. You remind me too much of Sesame Street. Don't ask me why. You just do.

2) Alcohol breadth is NOT cool. Ok?

3) Leering AND salivating at the same time is ALSO not cool. Ok?

4) Touching me is the WORST of my tak-cool list. Ok?

5) Your beer-belly gets it the way of us dancing together. My body will be rubbing your beer-belly instead of your chest. Tak stim lah nyaaarr... Berdansa dengan kau!!

Ok? I can go on. There's about ten thousand points on Why I Won't And I Can't Dance With You. But 5 will do.

(I want that guy with the sexy specs and that even sexier fedora hat. Mr. Sexy Fedora, I wanna bump into you. As in, bump into you some other time.)

Ok I don't know why but I'm SO excited lah nyaaarr... Maybe it's the whole TGIF feeling-feeling. Maybe it's 10 December tomorrow. Or maybe cos Class 95 are playing songs that I totally dig. (Hell-O? Class 95?? Do I get commission like this??) Or maybe cos I'm cutting my hair today. Yeah I'm cutting my already short hair.

(Here I go again trying to justify why chic girls have short hair... Ok I'll shut up)

If I am not living in Singapore and not working in a serious and 'respectable' profession, I would have already done my hair like Naima. Or something radical like that.

No lunch today cos my kaki and tangan on MC and I just don't like the idea of lunching alone, or worst, lunching in the pantry WITH the monstrous Pantry Aunty. (Until now, I still don't know her real name. Therefore, she will have a capital P and A for Pantry Aunty, indicating her name). And I'm trying to not eat so I'll look at least bikini-friendly tomorrow.

These past few days, my mind has been unsettled again. I've been thinking and thinking until I can practically see my hair turn gray. I wonder if the choices I make today will have a great impact tomorrow. They say, don't regret your actions and decisions. But what if we're talking about true love here? This love business is a sticky thing. I hate it. I don't want to think about this anymore but I can't help it.

I guess I'm just so starved of love and affection. Blardee hell.

And it doesn't help that my cough of eons-old is still around. No more phlegm but it's just as bad. I'm quite worried actually. What if it's TB??? AaaRRgHH!!! Sial ah Awin! Apa ni fikir bukan-bukan!! Nonsense lah!

Tsk. Suddenly no mood for tomorrow. I hate my effin-mood-that-swings-like-an-effin-pendulum!!

I blame it on peer pressure. I blame it on the year-end festive season. I blame it on the sale. I blame it on Jila.

Went to work with Jila this morning. Somehow, seeing someone you love first thing in the morning makes you look forward to the day. And no, I'm not a lesbian. I just love Queen Jila, that's all. I also love the other Queen, Eli.

So I was like "Hey you bought a new bag!! I very the luuurrve... So nice, the colour! Turquoise! And it's quite roomy!! Where did you get this? Oh near my work place?? Ahhhhh see.... Do they come in mustard yellow? Yes? Great! I've been wanting a mustard yellow bag!!"

So during lunch time, I went in search of that mustard yellow bag. I went to the shop but I guess there must be something wrong with Jila's eyesight because there was absolutely NO mustard yellow bag. There is however, a leaf-green bag. I got so geram-ed at that leaf-green bag that I bought it anyway. So now I STILL have to look for a mustard yellow bag.

Best part is, it's only $12.90 lah seyy!! Best nyaaarr... I'm digging my new bag. So now I'm doing some damage to Eli's conscience and telling her all about the other colours the bag comes in. There's sky-ish blue and there's mud-brown, kay Eli. Go get either one of 'em bags!! So we Queens can exchange-exchange and we're gonna look damn mentel HAHAHA!!!

Lai lai here's the bag of the mo.

I caught A Twist of Fate last Saturday. It's a play/musical and now the songs are still stuck in my head plus Emma Yong's energetic dance. When I got home straight after that, I practiced the dance in my room. My date for that play said that I should watch out and not dance THAT dance at Zoukout this friday because not only will I scare away the beach-goers, I will also scare any potential one-night stands. Hurhur... Macam betul ajer aku one-night stands. I can't even secure a date these days. Anyway, I like A Twist of Fate. Can't wait to watch more plays. Come people come... Support the local arts scene and watch plays. Let's make this a more cultured society, haha...

That Saturday was pretty normal - like any given funtastic Saturday. Considering what I went through on Friday, yeah Saturday was pretty normal. Because on Friday, I was a social escort for about, oh... 5 hours?

YOU HEARD ME Y'ALL!!

I was a social escort.

Or at least, I acted as one.

I was offered $100 for that. So I thought, Why Not? It's Friday, I have no plans. And this is definitely something different.

I get paid to do something outrageous, which is what I always strive to do. I get paid to dress up and eat delicious food. I feed on that adrenaline rush I get when I do something drastic. That rush of blood to the head knowing that this is so bad but I do it all the same.

It was for a wedding reception. And I have not seen this guy before that day.

Now, there's two ways of looking at this. Two sides to a coin. Two sides to an argument. One can look down on me with disdain and say that I'm a slut or that I'm cheap for doing something crazy like this. Selling my 'services' for a few dollars, all in the name of fun.

Or one can look at me and say, well, it's all in the name of fun.

You decide.

I chose the latter. I'm just there for the food and the experience, really. Listen, I did not sell my soul for this.

22 and living Life.

At the end of 5 hrs, I said my thank yous and made my graceful exit.

And no, I did not take that $100.

I was just there in the name of fun. Really.