On Tuesday, I had a mother of all cramps and it wasn't funny at all.

So someone decided to step on my toes and ho boy, you picked a wrong day.

I just came back from the ladies when one of the secs told me one of the lawyers wanted to see me. I went into his room and he started saying "Why are all these papers in a mess? If there's no more space in the file, then can you please not be lazy and file them in another file?" WTF. Ok understand? WTF.

In the first place eh, I have not touched that particular matter for 2.5 months eh, and he knows this. The last thing I did anything for that file was 20 April this year. After that, it was given to another person to upkeep. So then why the fuck did he anyhow whack and accused me of being lazy and not get a new file right.

Second of all, my work area may seem messy and disorganised but I know where my things are. And the papers in my files are always kept neatly and properly. As in , everything is typed and arranged and no excess flying papers cos I cannot stand fat files either. So don't teach me how to file because I've been doing it longer than you.

I was pissed off lor. Did not help that I was having mother of all cramps and mother of all PMS, you know. And when I went back to my seat, I complained to my neighbour and just cried there, at my seat. And from that moment on, it was a crying fest. My cramps were so frequent and so painful that I cried at my desk again, because I don't know what else to do. I couldn't stand up to go home and I couldn't sit either cos my back hurt. Plus the emotional pain. Everything was too much. And I shamelessly cried in front of the MB. I think he's used to it by now. I think I'm beyond being embarrassed already. Whatever lah.

And then today right, the one who pisses Awin off came to the office limping. Limping! Haha.. Tu nama dia eh tuan-tuan dan puan-paun, is dholat. Retribution. Padan muka ok.

For the life of me, I cannot remember who the hell is Jimmy Ray. He looks like this.

Eli, Shoba, Zhen, Andrea and I met up with Jasie last evening. Jasie is a dear friend of mine who sat behind me in Sec 3 and 4 who liked to pull my hair and make funny, scary noises. I miss her very much and her son Travis (I call him Tyrese ala pak itam hurhur) is super cute. He's 8 now. It's hard to believe that J is a mother of an 8-year old. Cos she's still just herself. We've all grown 10 years olders but some things don't change. I enjoyed myself very much last night.

So one of the topics we talked about was Jimmy Ray and how one of his songs went like 'Are you Slim Ray? Are you Sting Ray? Are you Jimmy Ray?' or something... It was hilarious!

I can't wait to see them again this Saturday. I hope dinner at Bhav's happens too.

We were buying drinks at a mama shop when I chanced upon TIME magazine with a classic picture of MJ on the cover.

Huda and I contemplated and it didn't take us long to decide that yes, we should get it. It may costs $8 now but it could sell for $80,000. That about covers half of my retirement plan, since the minister says that to retire at the age of 65, a person needs $2m in reserves funds. Cheyba.

SO, I bought one, and planning to buy another one for safekeeping, sealed in a plastic cover all. The first copy, for my own reading and it'd be kept to a minimal of finger contact. All that finger-oil and finger-sweat all haha... Eh inside got alot of nice photos of him when young and with the Jackson 5 you know. Very colourful. And him in his Thriller peak and then to his waning music career when he was better known as Wacko Jacko.

I keep feeling that something's gonna happen. I don't know what. Just, something. Hmm. Uneasy.

But it was stuck in my outbox cos I didn't have time to post it.

I had a very good weekend. It was very fun and I enjoyed myself very much.

On Friday, I went for dinner with the boy and then off to Clarke Quay to meet some girlfriends. I thought we were supposed to go to Café Iguana for dinner/light dancing but they were already at Pump Room and I had to make my way in ALONE macam some loser you know. Lucky I found them at the dance floor – with a Jimmy. Now Jimmy looks like Urkel from Family Matters. Cuma he’s cooler cos he wore a shiny shirt and jeans and cooler sunglasses.

I have never been to Pump Room before but it was fun!! I think what makes a good night out is a combination of good company – in this case, Nonie, Sid and Anita (a new-found friend) – and good music. Music dia ala-ala ol’ skool and evergreen, seperti contoh, A Little Respect by Erasure and Sweet Child O’Mine by GNR. I very the love. I enjoyed myself and it'll be a night to remember good for a couple of months.

Then Saturday, it's movie marathon night with Yan - Angels & Demons (finally!) and Land of the Lost. Times with Yan are very precious so I appreciate the fact that his boyfriend wasn't somewhere in his shadows calling and asking to meet up with him or something. He can be very sebok and menyemak, you know. I don't think any girl would understand how I feel right now. So it may seem like I'm being very inconsiderate and not understanding but believe me you, he is very semak. Macam rumpun-rumpun yang bersepar at the walls of my primary school compound.

Anyway.

On Sunday, now Sunday was fun. Went for Nurah's wedding and I was thrilled cos I thought it'd be the first wedding where I won't have to take the cab and arrive breathless since it is just a 10-min walk away from my place. Wrong. I took the damn cab lah eh and the meter moved by do posen ajer. Apek cab tu confirm maki-hamun aku eh pasal buang masa dia ajer tapi hey dari dia pusing-pusing takder hasil baik amik aku kan, boleh earn $3. Hurhur.

Sid was already there, wearing a shocking pink baju kurung, and her husband, son, brother and parents in tow. I looked around me and waddya know, the girl from angmoh country was wearing a baju kurung and all this malay girls from Singapore pakai dress lah (looks at Nonie, Maz, Eli and herself) pakai jeans lah (looks at Jila) and shirts lah (looks at Ratna and Ley). She was trying to fit in with the malay community while we were trying to be all westernified. Westernified? Westernized! Ni semua dah terikut aku kan. Pasal, siapa yang mulakan pergi orang kahwin pakai dress? Aku jugak. Ni confirm apa tau... Confirm satu-satu nyer mak tanya "OI kau nak pergi merebang ke nak pergi orang kahwin ni ah?! Asal tak tau pakai baju kurung!" Abeh diorang jawab, "Alah takper ah... Awin yang start pergi orang kahwin pakai dress, orang pakai dress ah..." Mak diorang: "Ah tu ah aku dah cakap dari dulu, nak carik kawan biar yang betul... Biar yang senonoh sikit. Siapa suruh kau ikut si budak Awin tu pakai dress pergi orang kahwin?! Tak malu eh?"

Hurhur. Betul tak kawan-kawan? Tapi takper. I don't care. Stay true to yourself. There's no way I'm going to wear baju kurung panas-panas dengan heels all naik turun train. It's dress and into the cab, flowy hair still intact and make-up tak cair. Hey tempat orang kahwin kadang-kadang ada potential mats ok. Yang cuci pinggan lain. Yang mat kompang lain. Abeh couple yang kahwin tu punya members? Tak kan nak datang dengan baju kurung basah dengan your blusher at your chin and sweat marks on the top of your lips kan. Haa betul per. Hurhur aku bebual kons ah.

Ok this entry is pointless. It's so minah-esque I can't stand it.

I've never found myself being so passionate about football before.

The last time I remember feeling excited for football was when Yan, I, Dayana and Han went to some Singapore v Some Country at Kallang Stadium. I had short hair, ruddy cheeks (cheybah haha) and was wearing red. Everyone was wearing red. Duh.

Of late, I feel that I am getting very involved with Man Utd. Hurhur. I try not to be a poseur you know i.e., those kinda girls who pretend to like football and talk football and discuss football just so that she can fit in with the boys or just so that the boys tengok dia cool ke haper ah. I try not to so usually I just sit quietly and watch. Whether my interest is due to a certain player called Ronaldo or not is another story lah you know? Hurhur. I know he's been around awhile but lately, I think he just got hotter and hotter. Yan is not gonna like me saying this because he thinks that Ronaldo is a big baby and liked to call foul and very lembik. He is not lembik ok. Have you seen his abs? And his thighs? Hello.

Anyway, I caught the Man U game with Barca last 2 nights. Aku macam betul jer tau. Went home, caught a couple of hours of sleep and meet Yan downstairs and we drove to SJC to join the rest of the boys. Siap bawak baju kerja semua cos it's off to work that morning.

The place was filled with so many male testosterones! Besides the food, you can smell Male. Alaah you know, bau jantan. All sweat and cigarette smoke and armpits and helmet hair. Haha. SJC is by the way, Simpang Joo Chiat. Cos one of the food stalls has a branch at Simpang Bedok, the boys called this one Simpang Joo Chiat. Pandai-pandai jer. Nobody else calls that SJC. Kita jer pandai-pandai.

Anyway, front row seats, aku tengok dongak seh. Sakit tengkuk lah nyah. Tapi Ronaldo nyer pasal, saya sanggup. Oh by the way about the game, I was very disappointed. Man Utd was so kanchiong spider and they just lose it. Barca was terrific though. Here I am, an amateur football audience and I can tell how fantastic Barca was. So smoove. That was some good football. And here I go being all poseur minah bola. Ok stoppit.

I saw 2 wedding invitations on the table for me a few nights ago.

And then my mum went like "Eh Awin, kawan-kawan kau semua dah kahwin Win..." I can sense war coming up ni. So I said "Ah abeh kenapa? Ibu stress?" She: "Ah yelah abeh kau bila....." Before she could finish, I interrupted her, cos I won't go down without a fight.

"AH TULAH ibu, siapa suruh pergi jemputan... Kan makcik-makcik semua dah tanya bila anak kau yang pompuan tu nak kahwin Jah? Sebabtu kan, orang tak suka pergi sedara-sedara nyer jemputan tau pasal orang tau mesti makcik-makcik kepo tanya-tanya. Kan orang dah warning sikit hari, jangan tanya pasal kahwin ni semua pasal its rimas ok!"

She: "Eh bukan sedara-sedara ibu lah... Ni kawan-kawan ibu tanya lah."

Me: "Ah sama lah! Jumpa kat mana? Kalau bukan kat jemputan, kat pasar kan? Bilang dengan makcik-makcik kepo, pergi jaga anak-anak diorang sendiri. And ibu pun jangan sebok tanya makcik-makcik kepo bila anak diorang nak kahwin! Makcik-makcik takder benda lain eh nak bebual pasal?" Tapi kan, kadang-kadang, bukan makcik-makcik jer kepo suka tanya pasal kahwin tau. Ada orang kan, umur baru 23 pun dah sebok-sebok pasal kahwin. Abeh lagi boleh bilang aku kalau aku nak kahwin, tak payah tunang pasal nanti aku akan reach expiry date. Eh fuck you lah. Siek ah aku 23 masih hepi-hepi seh.

Aku tengah hot seh itu jam. That was the first time my mum had outrightly talked about marriage. She didn't ask me directly lah, but she put it in such a way that you know, she'd like to know it herself. I think she's getting nervous already. Takut anak pompuan satu dia ni tak laku. Kesian mak aku. Dia succumb to peer pressure.

Ingat kahwin senang macam time dulu-dulu keper. Ingat cari laki macam pergi Sheng Siong cari tauge eh?

I'm not worried because my girls are all happily unmarried. Except for maybe Jila cos she asked me before if I wanted to be the MC during her wedding ceremony. So she's given that some thoughts. Hehe.

Ok lah. Off to home now to shower and change then meet my fellow Vietnam trippers for supper. Kahwin-kahwin talk makes me panas.

I think I have come to a place within myself where it could be anytime now where I throw in the towel.

I am just so tired and I feel a certain sort of unfairness and abuse! I know that working for the 2 most junior bosses in the team was not going to be easy, because shit flows downwards, and sometimes it's not their fault but I just have so many things to do! I have so many things to do that, I think I have not been doing my work well. It's like, a bit done here and a little there and I couldn't focus entirely and give it my best to any one matter.

It frightens me because in my line, mistakes are frowned upon and there could be costly trouble ahead and it's the pits when my neck is constantly on the chopping board, every single day of work.

So I eventually got on that plane to Ho Chi Minh and I had a good couple of days before Monday rolled by and work loomed again, and that totally ruined the remaining days for me. It's not fair! Just farken 3 days of leave and I was still worried about work. It's like, I cannot have a life as long as I'm here. Like, I sell my soul to work. What kinda shit life is this.

I went on a bit of self-reflection while I was backpacking and I have decided that I shouldn't beat myself over work and stop taking it upon myself to finish EVERYTHING, when the workload is obviously not delegated fairly and I feel grossly undermined. I have so many that it seems that I'm uncapable, unfocused and unreliable. Where fact of the matter is that, I try to multi-task but the work just don't stop. They just don't.

And I start to question myself the purpose of my being, other than working for a living. The only reason why I'm holding on is that I think my parents might have some trouble with their work too and if I can help, I help. So being unemployed right now may not be a good idea but seriously. I. Am. Jaded.

I'm so afraid of myself because I think, if it is really too much, I might just break down at my messy desk, cry my eyes out, and type a farewell letter. I don't want to act irrationally.

I can't even blog about how great my trip to HCM was. I enjoyed myself tremendously (at least for the first 2 days) and the last 3 days would have been awesome if not for the constant reminder of work.

And it doesn't help that here I am thinking about work and what to finish first, someone kept asking where to buy tapioca something for lunch or something like that. Like fuck, understand? Like, I'm scrambling to finish everything before I drop dead and people are thinking about lunch.

Well guess what? I've lost all appetite to eat for the last few days and I only eat when Yan is around cos that at least gives me some semblance of normalcy.

I used to be a free spirit you know. Nowadays, it's just so hard for me to find a reason to smile.

Such a depressing entry. I hate depressing entries. I'd do an angry entry anytime over a depressing entry.

At 4.30 p.m. today, it was discovered that the full-day hearing on Tuesday is vacated and the new date would be in JULY!!!

I would have spoken French here if I could but the implication of it might cause some problem in future so I'll hold my tongue.

[insert favourite French aka swear words here]

If you don't know what I'm getting at, read my entry on Saigone (or something) below. Where I was very angry with the fact I couldn't go to Vietnam with my cousins and her friends.

SO it seems that I can go afterall. BUT, how the hell could I do it when I have such short notice and I haven't packed, have not a big enough backpack, no proper shoes, don't know what to bring, what to buy, HAVEN'T CHANGE CURRENCY DONG DONG BETUL SEH. Dong is the Vietnamese currency by the way hurhur.

Oh but on a whim, I ran to Arcade to change SGD150 to some Dongs, without even being sure if I'm going. Just go with the flow, you know? Right now, my stuffs at work are more or less done (I think) and all that is left is to go online and get the damn ticket, which frankly I don't know why I still have not gotten around to doing it. Maybe cos I'm a bit worried about work. A bit only lah. Not enough to stop me from going though.

Still procrastinating.

Wah ni kalau aku betul jadi pergi, this is like my super ultimate spur of the moment nyer decision ni. Takder planning takder ke haper tiba-tiba jer last kopek nak pergi. Ni nama nya, punkrock. Haa korang dah lama tak dengar itu word punkrock kan. Hurhur.

If I decide to go, I'd have to pay $225 for the flight when I could have paid only $160 before. And best part is, I had a premonition you know. I was thinking to myself, 'wouldn't it be great if the Court comes back like a week before the hearing with a vacated hearing' and then 'nah wouldn't happen' and all this while, I had this feeling that somehow, the hearing won't happen. Vietnam was always somewhere there at the back of my head. I swear I have ESPn lah ok. Don't doubt me when I say I have it. I know when I'm being lied to too. If I were to be a character from the Twilight series, I'd be Alice. Hurhur.

Ok still procrastinating.

I should be getting online and buy the damn ticket already. I have a backpack but don't think it's big enough. The plan is for Yan to help me pick it up from a friend's place but guess what, he's still not done with shooting and he's not picking up the phone. I'm all alone in the office on Friday night lah Bedah. Seram dan stress.

Ni kalau aku jadi pergi kan, I would be so happy I won't believe it.

Ok enough, Yan just called to pick me up in 10 mins. So I better buy NOW. Pantat.