I think I know who Wispy looks like!! Oh, Wispy is, by the way, the one with the mole and Hugh Grant hair. Hurhur... Pasal rambut dia ala-ala wispy wispy windblown. Hurhur.

Anyway, he looks like Jake! Alaaa.... Jake. Which Jake? Jake Gyllenhaal. Kan I'm on a first-name basis with 'em boys. Wentworth and Rudy and Jake. Hurr.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I caught 300 with Yan and two of his friends. These friends of his have already watched it but they wanted to catch it again because boys being boys, they oh-so-love all those killings and gore. I swear the reason why they like gory movies so much is because it's a reflection of their desires. To just slit the throats the people they loathe. That, if given the power, they'd just as fast kill and trample men they hate. It's a badge of glory, see? It makes them feel ala-ala macho and yeah-gua-kuat!

I digress. Anyway.

I was on my way to meet Yan and Bernard, when something disturbing happened.

Ok background info sikit eh. I was sitting in the train towards Raffles Place, because that's where I will transfer to another train to Dhoby Ghaut. From the corner of my eye, I saw two men. One was seated next to me, the other was standing in front of his friend. Abeh aku macam glance to my side a bit and saw EH! Tangan dia colourful lah!! Ada macam-macam pesen. Dragon ada, ikan ada, setan pong ada! Hurhur. Tattoo lah seoul korea. Abeh I kepo looked down and EH! Kaki dia pong ada macam-macam pesen lah! Hurhur. So I thought to myself ok better not stare. Nanti ada aku kena pelangkong.

Fast forward to the traffic light at Somerset. I was walking towards the traffic light when I saw the same men standing. And they were talking and looking and talking and looking at me. I was like uh-ohh... They saw me staring at their tattoos. So now they're gonna question me! Mati ah aku gini. So I was walking briskly towards Starbucks where Yan and Bernard were, but at the same time trying to remain calm. Taknak tunjuk muka panic ah konon. Then suddenly one of them appeared next to me and went like....

"Hi".

Err... "Hi?"

"Where are you going?"

"Err... Plaza Sing." D-uh. Like, I'm walking towards PS, kan? Where else can I be going? Istana? Per jer mamat ni. And I seriously thought I was dead meat. Like he was going to whisper in my ear "You better watch out. I'll KILL you!"

"Are you Malay?"

Eh? Why would he wanna know if I'm Malay if he was gonna kill me, yes?

"Err.. Yah."

"Oh... So you're going Plaza Sing alone eh?"

"OH! No... I'm going to meet my boyfriend, actually. Hehe.." I got the cheek to giggle lor... I almost added "Maybe you'd like to meet him, too?" But I decided to shutthehell up because otherwise, I might really be dead meat.

I doubled up and looked for Yan at Starbucks. Saw Bernard instead cos Yan was at the gents. I almost give Bernard a kiss and a hug cos I was relieved to see a familiar face and also cos just in case the mamats were spying to see if I'm speaking the truth. But I turned his arm up instead cos Bernard also got tattoo, yo. Hurhur. So maybe the mamats got a glimpse of his tattoo. Never mind that his tattoo is tastefully done and that it's not scary at all. I was so paranoid, can.

Oh and by the way, the mamats are not exactly juvenile young boys eh! Macam hmm early 30s gituk. Eh gi carik kat kelab dangdut ah beb!

This is insane.

My colleague and I will go down for tea break almost every day and bumped into this super good-looking mat salehkeh downstairs and we will giggle and laugh macam juvenile girls.

I think I giggle cos she always make reference to him and yours truly. He has a mole above the corner of his upper lip and he has hair ala-ala Hugh Grant. Tersentap jiwa raga ku. Hurhur.

But he is so action, it's quite a turn-off. Hurhur. Takper. Eye candy jer per. Action ke tak tu semua boleh tolak tepi.

Apa ni Winggg... I'm fully aware that in my previous entry, I gushed about Rudy Youngblood. And the entry before that, Wentworth Miller. And now this. I should be immune to this already! I'm old! I should not be gushing about hot males!

On a different note altogether, the thought of going to Court alone tomorrow freezes my balls. Oh wait. I don't have real balls.

My eyeballs then.

Opps wahey!! I have a new infatuation!

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing.... Rudy Youngblood! (tepukan gemuruh)

Yay! Yay!

I finally got my hands on Victoria Secrets' Forbidden Fantasy!

Thanks for renting out your office space for the bottles, Dayana!

And now I smell all lush lush macam minah mentel. It's the kinda smell that will grab men by the balls, I tell ya. Not used to it yet. So fruity! But for $50, hell I'll use it until the last drop. Hurhur.

Anyway, I didn't know Wentworth Miller poses for Gap. Saw his face squinting at me desirously at the front page of Life!, was it? Doesn't matter. He was squinting at me desirously all the same. Hurhur.

My brother was the one who pointed it out to me. He action went like, "Eh Kak, siapa ni?" And Sunday morning heard me screaming down Jurong West St (insert 4D number). I had a bit of a heart palpitation but then all's good now. And then I looked at him (or rather the picture of him), then at my brother, and at him again. "Eh Faiz! Your hair same as his eh!?" Cos my brother just shaved off his hair. Then he left like, a tiny 'v' at the front, ala-ala Wentworth. Abeh my brother sengeh tersipu-sipu. Hurhur. Cheydebah. Then he said "Yah me and about 4 of my other friends have our hair like him!" Wahseh my brother and his friends are so sehati sejiwa, you know. One cut hair, all must cut. One buy Adidas Sports spray, all must buy Adidas Sports spray. One buy Sleeze shoes, all must buy Sleeze shoes. Ni nama nyer, friendship. Haha.

Okay I wanna look at myself at the mirror now. Because one of my colleagues, who has never complimented me in my 2.5 years here, said I look pretty today. (She said today only, hor. She specifically stressed on 'today'). HAHAHAHA. Then again, it could be an insult. Hurhur. So I asked her, "Kau nak apa ni dari aku? Kau nak pinjam duit eh? Duit takder. Tapi aku ada penampar. Kau nak?" Hurhur. As you can see, I don't handle compliments very well.

Well, sometimes.

It has been quite an awesome week.

I went to Batam on Sunday and Monday with a cousin and a mutual friend of ours. Because my cousin mati-mati want the Batam tour, we followed a group on our first day and ended up visiting places like temples and dry markets selling smelly sotong and fish and sea cucumbers.

We went go-karting where I emerged the champion! Well amongst the 3 of us, that is. I was the champion. Hurhur. Then we went to a massage parlor where the other two had feet reflexology and I had a full body massage. So meh sini aku describe kan sikit the scenario. For those seeking full body massages, we were led to this space where a bed is laid on the floor and only a batik cloth covers you from the person next to you. The beds are on a slightly elevated ground, like a platform. So you can hear every noise (or moan) the person next to you makes, or any conversation your neighbour has with his/her masseuse. This is not a cheesy place so I thought it should be quite fine and peaceful. Oh how wrong was I.

Apparently, this ching chong fun couple who had their kids with them during the trip decided to bring the kids INTO the massage space. Ok THREE kids eh. That's THREE NOISY BOYS. Semua muka mintak kena sepak punya. See, it's okay if they have slap-able faces and are quiet. But they have slap-able faces AND noisy. So I thought it'd be $20 well-spent but nooooOOoo... These kids eventually got bored while their parents were happily being massaged. They started stomping on the platform floor and begin talking loudly. So I said to their mother "Aunty ah... Can you please ask your kids to keep quiet or not? Very noisy leh. Thank you hor." She she said to them in Mandarin asking them to keep it down tapi macam tak sungguh-sungguh gitu ah.

If all that stomping and shouting are not noisy enough, eh... Diorang start main game lah! Kau tau, those hand-held games yang bising-bising make a 'tiu-tiu-tiu' that kinda noise. And then they spoke in Mandarin tapi aku faham. One of the boys said he wanted to borrow the game but the other boy wouldn't lend it to him and so the first boy cried. CRIED eh. In the massage place. Cried and tried to complain to his parents at the same time. I'm sure you can figure how that sounded.

So I just tsk tsk tsk loud enough for the mother to hear.

And then the kids' father's handphone rang and he answered it in typical ah-pek fashion. "HARLOW?! AH... AH.... SEMO? CHING CHONG FUN CHING CHONG FUN BLA BLA BLA.... AH OK OK. BYE!"

Eh macam mana aku nak marah anak-anak dia ni if the parent don't set a good example. His handphone rang 3 more times after the first one. Honestly, these people. They can only be Singaporeans. At one point, I got so pissed off that I scolded the kids myself, through the thin batik shield. Pergi mampos. Apa? Mak dia nak marah aku for scolding her kids? Meh sini ah marah. Aku macam makin tension sey. Bukan lagi relax.

When we got back to the bus, the mother gave me dirty looks. Ewah masih boleh tunjuk perasan ni. I found out later that the kids's father is a broker, hence therefore thus, his handphone kept ringing every 10mins. Now the strange thing was, I didn't hear him talking loudly when we were in the bus, and I sat just adjacent to him. Big shot hor, broker.

I mean, look okay. I believe that kids should be allowed to be kids. Sure, go ahead and run, scream, play games and make as much noise as you want but they still must be disciplined enough to know when they should behave. And the parents play an important role in making them know the difference. Like, in the library for example. Running and screaming kids? Itu mintak kena smack. But if you wanna run and scream at the playground then by all means. These are the kind of parents who leave their maids and grandma to discipline the kids. The kids tend to be spoilt silly.

I only got comforted with the fact that I'll have a quiet spa treatment the next day so all was not lost.

Yay! Yay! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are coming back in celluloid screen!

I'm so exciDED!!! I remember, TMNT was my first movie, ever. I watched it with some cousins and an uncle at the now defunct Savoy at Boon Lay Place. Mak datok, old school siak tempat. The MacDonalds in between the 2 theatres still stand now.

Cowabunga! Heroes in a hard shell, TURTLE POWER! Hurhur.

Yesterday was some scary shit.

I was at my desk doing my work when I thought I felt dizzy. I felt my chair rocking back and forth. Macam ala-ala pitam. So I closed my eyes and held on to my desk.

Then my colleague shouted in surprise "EH THE CHAIR MOVING AH! WHY IS THE CHAIR MOVING?!?!"

So it wasn't just me. My chair was moving!

Soon the office was filled with excited voices. The Big Boss came out from his room and ordered us all to evacuate the building.

Ok robert sini eh, it is NOT fun when you have to go down flights of stairs in heels. QUICKLY. Macam cartoon sey. And the people heading the group of people down the stairs were a pair of makciks who were talking a mile an hour until I clapped my hands and asked them to move it or our burial ground would be 80 Robinson Road. Hurhur. All the way down the flights of stairs, I contemplated if I should keep my ring in my mouth so that if my body is found beyond recognition, during the post-mortem, they would find the ring and I can be identified. Bila time nervous gini, ada jer pikiran bukan-bukan siak. Aper jer Awing.

When we reached 'safe' ground, the people from the surrounding office buildings had also evacuated theirs. So there we were just waiting for the green light from SCDF. I was on half day afternoon leave anyway because there's no way in hell was I gonna go back to my office. I might just die a virgin under a shitload of debris and rubble. So I called both my parents and Yan too cos you know, just in case. Aku ni pessimistic lah. Hurhur.

A few minutes later, I left that area altogether, on my way to my half day leave. Somewhere in the late afternoon, I called the office again to check the situation because I'm a concerned colleague like that (actually, it was because I had not drafted and sent out a letter when I was supposed to). Apparently, there was a second tremor about 2hrs after the first. Eee seram nyaarr... Ni baru kena gegar sikit. I wonder how Padang is like.

Anyway, someone is about to be bitchslapped by me. She's getting on my nerves. I'm trying very hard to ignore her but it's hard because she haunts me with that stupid shrilly voice of hers and her sepet kohl-eyes. All girls with shrilly voice ought to be shot. We really don't need shrilly-voiced girls. We already have the hyenas.

Yan didn't buy me the navy blue Fred Perry bag (phew).

He got me something else, and I'm loving it. Its black with gold words woven in cursive hand. I very the luuurrve. It's so chic! This saves me from buying myself a black bag.

Thank you, Yan! You is the rock!

I had a great weekend!

I ate and ate. On Saturday, I had Chicken Steak and mushroom rice from Mad Jack for lunch, Roti John with cheese for dinner and some Japanese swirl ice-cream in between.

Then on Saturday, I stuffed my face with MacDonalds Bagel with Omelette (hello, this I'm loving it!) for breakfast, ayam penyet from Bedok Corner for lunch and Garlic Mushroom Steak from Simpang Bedok. On Sunday, I was an east girl. I had all my meals in the east. Hurhur. I think I wanna rent a place at say, East Coast or Katong that area. So many food! I was so depressed cos I wanted to eat everything at Simpang but then I had to choose only ONE dish. What made it better was that I was surrounded by 8 red-blooded males. LAPAN.

Yan was great company for the weekend. He messaged me SUNDAY MORNING, asking me if I'm awake and if I am, he's inviting me for breakfast. Pukul tujuh setengah pagi buta! ROBERT~

Anyway, a listener just called in to Class 95. And it was a mat melayu. And as all mat melayu go, this one is no exception (read: English pecah and jiwang retak Superglue Gajah pong tak boleh repair).

Ok example eh. Macam ginilah konversasi dia with Jean Danker.

Bla bla bla then "Ok Jean I wanna dedicate this song Lonely No More to my girlfriend (or was it wife? Takper tak important) with the message - (hold on to your seats) - Helllo my darling sweet MOMMA, I wanna tell you I love you, MOMMA! And that you're the best thing to me, MOMMA! *insert other disgusting love message here*"

(Jean Danker giggling) *insert mat melayu name, say for example, ok let's name him Bob* "Oh my gosh, Bob! You're making my hair stand!"

Bob: "Oh dear, really...?" sambil ketawa tersipu-sipu. Pasal dia ingatkan Jean Danker's hair stand because of his sweet message WALHAL she laughed because he was so gross! He just didn't get the underlying sarcasm, balls. Excuse me, but MOMMA??? SIAL AH MAT aku dengar pong telinga berbulu seoul korea! Geli bodo. Apa ni display some kinky shit panggil gf/wife MOMMA on national radio! Euww, understand?

Dah tua seoul, Maz. May you'll be happier this year than the last! :)

And no more kissing other cars' ass, hopefully.

Yan is having a dandy time at Hong Kong. He messages me almost every morning saying he'll be leaving at 10 a.m. to go shopping. And he'll get back only at night about 10-ish. Wahseh wahseh happy lah, like this. Ohh bangun pergi shopping boleh eh, pergi sekolah tak boleh. Hurhur. I have to call you ten thousand times on school days just so that you won't be late for classes. Too much ah uncle, too much.

BUT.

If you come back with something nice for me, I'll forgive you. Haha. Although I know I told you not to get me anything. Not because I don't want him to waste his money, but more like his taste and mine is a little different. So for example eh, seperti contoh, he might just get me a Fred Perry navy blue bag!

Number one, I hate blue anything. I only own like, 2 blue tops. (Jeans are not counted because jeans only look good in blue.)

Number two, whoever carries a Fred Perry bag nowadays, yo! Hurhur. I don't know, maybe there are people who carry Fred Perry bags lah, just that my recollection of Fred Perry bags goes 10 years back. Also, I don't really fancy items with a brand attached to them. Aku suka brand apa tau... Aku suka benda-benda brand-sek! Cheydebah. No, really. To me, a thing is just a thing. So long as it functions well and it's appealing to the eye, it's fine. Brand names and expensive stuff define me not. See! I'm low-maintenance! You lucky guy, you!

So back to Fred Perry. Maybe it's not the brand name itself. It HAS to be the navy blue colour. Blue is, macam turn-off. Sorry luv. I know your intention is good, but I'd rather you not get it. Save it for umm say, my plastic surgery, or something.

And come back safely!

Because you know... It's 3rd March tomorrow.